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My story begins about 2 years ago. When he saw her for the first time, and fell in love without even knowing her name or anything about her. He knew he wanted to be with her and he wanted nothing more then that alone. He finally met her. Got to know her, and shared deep and personal secrets with her. The more he learned about her the more he loved. And the deeper in love he became the more he wanted to share this with her. So he did. But only to find out that she did not feel the same. She wanted to keep his friendship. She too cared for him, just not as deeply. She had shared her most treasured secrets with him, that not one person, not family nor friend knew about. He was her best friend. And she did not want to hurt that friendship, fearing that if it would not work out that they would stop being friends. But never the less he continued to wait, to see if she would change her mind and her heart. During this time she began to develop more feelings for him, the type that he shared for her, but not as strong. She kept this hidden from him for a while until he finally got her to admit it. But still she didn't want to explore these feelings. He finally reached the pinnacle of pain that he couldn't continue to do it anymore. So he gave up. But as he tried to give up he continued to be there for her. Knowing that it would be harder then ever to give up on her he continued to be her friend and her confidant. He contiues to try and give up his feelings for her, feeling the pain in his heart and soul knowing that it's not what he should do. But how much more can a man torture himself with love? How much more can he keep pushing the blade of lonliness into his broken heart and keep crying tears of agony? It's become so hard that he hides from the world and sometimes he tries to hurt himself through physical harm. But no matter how much he hurts himself, the pain of a love that doesn't exist hurts more so. He had given almost 2 years of his life to her, to wait for her to change her mind and realize that he was the guy she had been looking for, the guy who would never break her heart or ever hurt her in any way shape or form. She hasn't changed her mind. And whether or not she has realized it, she still continues to hold his friendship high in her prescence, knowing how hurt he is, feeling bad for it, blaming herself, when she shouldn't. She never meant for him to fall in love with her. She never meant to cause him so much pain.They say the greatest feeling is the love you have for another person. What they don't tell you is the most painful feeling is that same love. How much more will he continue to hurt himself? He doesn't know. I don't know. But there's still that small light of hope. That light that tells him that she and he will become one someday. The light that says do NOT give up, continue to dream and pray for it. The light that says, if you want something so badly you do NOT give up on it. He doesn't know how much longer he'll have to wait. But he does know that no matter what, it will be the greatest love of his life. And he will die, resting in peace, loving only her. I will never stop loving her.How Am I?:  Lonely Me Moosak: "Right Here" by Staind |
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Yeah went to the Block Party tonight and hung out with Bobby, Brad, Billy, and a couple other people I haven't seen in a while. Brad dyed his hair pink and the tips blue then he had them spiked up for this occasion. Totally phat. Bobby dyed his half red and half yellow (Hulk Hogan anyone?) and then used Elmers Glue to spike it up like Wayne Static, lmao. It was fun to hang out with the old crew tonight even tho the Block Party sucked major balls. Later on, I ran into Cathy from work and her fiance PJ. We talked a bit and shit, and I bonded with her fiance so to speak. I think she got scared by that, lol. I let them be and off again I go, and ran into more old friends of mine, Eddie and his friends (ex co-workers of mine) James, Sarah, and Apollo. We all talked and shit and had some laughs. Once again, I am off and I run into Kia, a girl whom I've teased about shit with lol. We talked and she told me I missed her b-day a few weeks ago. I was broke so I gave her a kiss for a present (cheesy I know). She blushed and was all like, "See ya later, hun". I was thinking to myself, "Hun?! Screw that more like 'Buddy'." So then I ran into Bobby and Brad and talked a bit more. We decided we were hungry and headed to Rapid Rays. Bobby knew I was broke so he hooked me up with 2 double cheeseburgers and some fucking onion rings. ONION RINGS!!! God, they own. I was feeling kinda naucious after eating too much so I sat down and watched some shit go on around me. Got up around the time of the fireworks (which sucked as much as last years) and headed home. So, I figure if the Block Party was this boring, fuck La Kermesse. I ain't wasting $15 on a button for some dumb bullshit. I'd rather work.... I can't believe I just said that..How Am I?:  zzZZzz Me Moosak: "Happy?" by Mudvayne |
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So...
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Jun. 14th, 2005 @ 10:21 pm
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It's been about what.. 4 months since my last update? Since then I have relocated to a new apartment leaving my friends place and moving in with my sister and her boyfriend and kids to help them with the bills. Times are hard these days and 3 minimum wage jobs can barely help support 3 adults and 2 kids. We make it tho, and we're there to help out bec we're family and that's what counts. In other news I am beginning to get very grouchy lately, and very agitated. I don't know what it is. I know it ain't lack of sex bec.. well.... we won't go there. But, yeah, I kinda have a clue of what it could be. See, there's this friend of mine, Katie. She means EVERYTHING to me. If there was anything she needed, I would get it for her. I love her, ya know. But, she doesn't want that from me. She just wants our friendship. And it hurts ya know, because she tells me I mean a lot to her but she can't be with me only because she's afraid of losing me as her friend. I have told her time and time again, one, you need to take risks like that to find out if it's meant to be or not. And two, I will not be going anywhere if it doesn't work out. She says she's tired of always being hurt and tired of being alone when I'm always here for her, and I have been waiting for her for god knows how long. I'm beginning to just say fuck it all and run a car off the edge of a cliff and end everything I have ever worked so hard to achieve in my life. I hide these things from my family, they don't need to worry about my life when they got thier own issues. If they hear about my problems they all get like, "Well, you need to take your pills so you don't get this way." or "Do you need to sit down with someone and talk?". With them it's a huge deal if I'm upset or depressed because of shit that's happened before when I was like that. They haven't any kind of idea what goes on here at LJ, because, well, they don't know of my account. So, I put on a happy face and pretend that my world is alright. I go on with a fake smile and they all believe it. I do the same with Katie, because I don't want her to know that I'm literally about to break down because of her. But, how long can I keep this facade up? I don't know, but I'm gonna milk it for every penny it's worth.How Am I?: Depressed Me Moosak: "Let Me Go" by 3 Doors Down |
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Happy Birthday to me. YAY!! Not.. I hate birthdays...How Am I?:  Wasted Me Moosak: "American Idiot" by Green Day |
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Back and I have some news and crap. Well first off I lost net during most of January so no updates from there. The only things that happened was me pissing people off left and right and shit. Then I got into a fist fight with that dude from work who said he'd drag me around tied up to his truck. Beat his ass outside of work, then he get's 4 of his buddies and have me jumped. I put up a pretty decent fight but the numbers game catches up to ya. He came into work a few days after that as I was giving a doctors note to take a few days to heal. They had no idea he was involved. He had a little grin on his face, and shit. Yeah some big tough guy couldn't do it by himself. Whatever. He'll get his. Anywho, I've decided to buy myself two things for my birthday. One, I'm piercing my labre (or however you spell it). Rock on. Also I'm thinking of getting a tattoo of the Jason hockey mask in all it's blood stained and cracked up glory. 9 more days and I'll be the big 23! Oh joy, another year to add on. I think of old age a lot now a days and it kinda scares me. I think of me becoming this real old perverted wheel chair bound freak. I can just see myself slapping young pretty girls on the ass with my cane. Very scary, very disturbing. Anyways, there's an update, hopefully I'll get back to posting more. PEACE OUT!!How Am I?: Sleepy Me Moosak: Boulevard of a Broken Dream - Greenday |
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Been a while. Anyways, Christmas was awesome. For once my family managed to keep the fighting at a minimum. We're starting to realize that once my folks are gone, we won't do this anymore. No more Christmas get togethers. Kinda sad. So, I want us all to make the best of it. Anyways I got some awesome things. I got 3 Gamecube games, Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, Need For Speed Underground 2, Soul Calibur 2, I got Spiderman 2 on DVD, PWN3D!! A brand spanking new DVD player, new computer speakers, socks, a shirt, a new fleece/hoodie, my mom gave me $20 (gee thanks...), my old man gave me a gift card which I used to by Mega Man X: Command Mission for Gamecube with. Got some money still left on it, so I'm gonna stock up the fridge with alcohol for New Years Eve. My sister Lisa and her husband made me a CD with a crap load of expensive programs like Norton Anti-Virus 2005, Adobe Photoshop 6.0, Dead AIM 5.9, Ad-Aware SE Pro, Norton Personal Firewall 2005, Norton Ghost 2004, some stuff for Kazaa Lite Resurrection and Shareaza, and a bunch others. Dinner was great. Everyone else ate ham and all that junk while Mom made me my favorite holiday food. Lasagna. Oh yeah. Eat your hearts out. I bought some stuff for them but not as good of stuff. One sister bought me an Axe kit which comes with the spray deodorant, roll on deodorant, and shower gel. Think she's trying to hint at something... **sniffs armpits** Oh well. Can't wait for New Years Eve. Gonna get so shitfaced. Give me a HELL YEAH!! Well off to bed. Peace.
Dec. 27th, 2004 @ 04:26 am
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| » what am i doing so wrong? |
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Lately I've been wanting to just die, and disappear from the face of the earth. People are pissing me off left and right and making me feel like complete and utter shit. I mean, it takes a lot for me to cry about something like that, but its getting so bad my eyes have been tearing up with rage. People at work, my family, my friends, all of them. They're all making me feel like an asshole. Granted I am an asshole, but in a good way. They're making me feel like a real live motherfucking asshole who doesn't care about anyone or anything. See, the past 6 years of my life, I have lived on my own. From one room mate to the next. Living with sisters, thier boyfriends or even just friends. And for 6 years I have been trying to prove to my family that I am not a failure. I want them to be proud of me. So, I push myself to the limit to make them proud. Only ones who are proud are my parents. But, I want my sisters respect. That'll never happen. Except 2. My oldest sister Robyn, and my baby sister Cathy. Cathy and I used to hate eachother with a deadly passion. But since we've been on our own, we've come so close together. She has two little girls, and I love my nieces like they were my own. My sister Robyn has been putting up with me since I was pretty much a kid. She didn't always live at home, but that's not her fault nor was it her choice. But, she still helps me out when I need it, and I do the same for her. Those are the only two who's respect I have earned. I have another half sister and 3 step sisters, but I rarely see them so I won't speak of them. But my middle sisters, Lisa, Patty, and Heidi, they have no respect for me. They think of my as a user and a freeloader. I hate how they treat me, but they're my sisters so I still love them. But it hurts so much to know what they think of me, thier one and only brother. I try so hard, but it's not enough for them.
My friends are just as bad. The last true friend I had left for Florida back when I was 19. Another went to Florida when I was 14. They never expected anything from me. I loved them both. Tuesday and Noah. They never got to meet eachother but, I'm sure they'd get along. I wish they were still here, but they have thier lives. Tuesday I just found and started talking to again over the net, and Noah I'll see online now and then. Wish there were more friends like them.
Works' just as stressful. People sit there and nag at you, and shit it's pathetic. I wish I was one of those crippled people that got paid to be like that. Just so I don't have to deal with anyone or anything. It's been getting to the point where I'd go out for walks around town, and beat the shit out of a brick wall, or beat the shit out of my own body. I'd trash everything in my room, or anything in my way. I'm beginning to hate my life. I'm beginning to wish I was dead, and have been seriously contemplating making them all happy, and just pulling a trigger against my head. Tuesday told me, to fuck them it's not worth it. She told me only way they'll be proud is if you're proud of yourself. She said, stop trying to make everyone else happy, and start making myself happy. Well, I am trying to make myself happy. But, it's not easy considering the only things you ever loved more then you're own family are all gone. I wish life had dealt me a better hand. Because, I am the failure, and I will never be able to live up to my own or anyone eles expectations... Sorry, Tuesday.. I'm trying... and I'm failing..
Dec. 11th, 2004 @ 07:08 am
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| » zzZZzz |
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Well, today was a boring day of nothingness. I worked, which was so fricken boring. Come home. Ate dinner. Watched Taking Lives starring Angelina Jolie.. shows her boobies! SWEET!!! It was a good movie all in all. Came in my room sat down and did a couple of graphics and a music video using the song "Immortal" by Adema and anime clips from Cowboy Bebop, Trigun, and Tenchi Muyo. Took some more vicadins bec my wisdom teeth hurt so bad right now it isn't even funny. I can't even chew on anything. Suckers man.. Went down to Music Plus and looked around. And nabbed what I had to nab! First, the Linkin Park/Jay Z Collision Course collaboration. I'm no Jay Z fan, but I love what they did with this. And secondly, a nice looking bitches phone number. I am so pimp! PIMP I TELL YOU!! MUA HA HA HA!! Anyways, yeah. The cd rocks, it comes with a DVD showing thier concert and work in the studios. You can tell Jay Z was getting frustrated but oh well. Then I headed off to Blimpies to get some subs when I damn near lost my mind. Blimpies.. shut.. down... I was like, "WTF?!?! NOW WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET SOME DECENT FOOD AROUND HERE?!?!", and the dude who owned the chinese place around the corner walked by as I said that.. I went into his place and got some crab rangoon, boneless spareribs, and a couple egg rolls. I hope he knows I was referring to good subs... yeah... seriously.. I guess now I am gonna goto bed. moneys been a real hassle, and I have more work tomorrow. Peace all, take it easy.
Dec. 2nd, 2004 @ 02:31 am
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| » Bad mood.... bad bad mood... |
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Well wasn't today a fun day. See, yesterday I called out of work on the busiest day of the week and today it's not the managers who give me a ration of shit. Oh no. It's a fucking employee. He had the balls to look at me and say, "Nobody likes you. You should kill yourself. In fact, let me tie you to the end of my truck, and drag you in the parking lot, and spell your name out in your blood." I fucking almost lost it. I fucking started flipping out and shit and looked at him and said, "When you get off the clock, I'm gonna be sitting on that hood of said truck. And I'm gonna make you eat the fucking tail pipe, while strangling you with the antenna. You don't know how deep in shit you're in. You don't know me. You're fucking with someone who doesn't give a fuck what happens to themselves." Yeah so I waited, and when he comes out he sees me waiting. The punk bitch ran his face before, and now he went back inside and called the cops. A bunch of fucking bullshit from a pansy ass mamas boy from North Carolina. Turns out he's just a fucking punk ass bitch. Can't step up and face the music. Oh well. I'll find him on my own time. I come home in the bad mood, and wanting so bad to hurt someone. I took 2,000 mgs of ibuprofen bec my teeth were hurting for some reason, and passed out. Now, I'm gonna be up for half the night. Maine's a bunch of bullshit. I wish I were somewhere's else...
Nov. 27th, 2004 @ 11:40 pm
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| » Turkey Turkey Tyrkie Tyrckee... |
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Today was a good day. A day full of mashed potatoes, turkey, ham, corn, peas, squash, sweet potatoes, biscuits, and banana nut bread. And to top that off, pumpkin, apple, cherry, banana cream, and chocolate cream pies... OMG!! I am so stuffed.. I mean, I think my stomach is about to explode. Seriously. I don't think I have ever eaten so much. To be quite honest, I want more. But I don't think it'd be wise right now. We have enough to last us the rest of the week, lol. Now I am so tired, I just wanna lay down watch some T.V. and get some rest. Work tomorrow and it's Black Friday. Sales at Wal*Mart, so everythings gonna be busy. Oh yay.... I dread tomorrow...
Nov. 25th, 2004 @ 10:42 pm
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| » Oh yeah |
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Halo 2 party at Brads tonight.. FUCKING OWNED!! WH000T WH000T!!! Anyways I'm talking to Niki as she reads my journal, lol. Then prolly heading to bed. Night all, Happy Turkey Day.
Nov. 25th, 2004 @ 01:03 am
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| » Moving shit around and a contact... |
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Today was hell raising today. We moved the living room around and had to re-route all the electrical wires for 3 computers and 3 T.V. sets. Then I got to move my bed around after getting rid of this huge ass burrow that took up about 3/4 of my room. I was pretty much restless. The neighbors came by asking if I knew anyone good contacts for some bud. So, I took them to an old dealer of mine hooked em up with about $65 worth and they smoked. I was around but I don't touch the shit. No, instead I got myself a contact high. YAY!! Now I get to feel hungry and have cottonmouth. It's been so long since I've had that feeling in my system. I'm glad I don't smoke but hey I still miss it. I think about then remember how much money I save. So it's all gravy. I'm about to go chill with my sister and her husband as we celebrate his 32nd b-day. Then off to bake pies for tomorrow. Maybe a chat with T tonight if she decides to get her skinny toothpick ass online.
Nov. 24th, 2004 @ 08:39 pm
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| » Bored and a new account thanks to T |
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Well, I've switched over from this old place. Anyways tonight was fun. Come home from work got bitched at, left for a walk to cool off. I ran into a couple of people I knew and we all headed to Dunkin Donuts and got something to munch on, and talked about upcoming plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm not a big fan of christmas, my grandmother died 3 days before it 13 years ago. So, it's still hard to deal with but I put on a happy face and try not to ruin it for anyone. As for thanksgiving... MOM BRING ON THE GRUB!!! lol, I am a huge fan of Thanksgiving. I eat like a fat kid going out of style. Anyways, I sat up waited around for anyone to talk to. Thought maybe T would get on but meh. Oh well, tomorrows a bright new day and I have it off.. so I'm caving in til about noonish. Peace y'all!
Nov. 24th, 2004 @ 01:12 am
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popimp1982's journal